I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
