So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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