im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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