All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
