if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
