Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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