i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
