does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
