I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
