how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
