I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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