so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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