i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
