I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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