you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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