my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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