I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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