Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
