i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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