oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
