Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
