ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
