hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
