I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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