omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
