Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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