This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
