Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
