I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
