i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
