i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
