He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
