i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
