Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
