I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My bed smells like the plague
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
