just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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