Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
