I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
