I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
