I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
