i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
