i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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