so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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