HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
