Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
