i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
