I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
