If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
