life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
