if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
