he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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