Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
