The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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