He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
