omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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