We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
