theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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