I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
