I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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